girlwithout | (no subject)

Philadelphia isn’t so far from New York that going there has to take a full day, but she makes a day trip out of it this time anyway. Partly because it’s sort of easier than rushing around to get there and back again, but mostly because she just… wants to get away. Rikki texts Anya to let her know Nomad won’t be around for any patrolling or whatever and introduces Benji to the exciting world of train travel.

They spend most of the afternoon wandering around to the places that are most like how she remembers the city from her world. It’s nice, like showing him around her home town, even if it isn’t quite.

By evening, she’s made her way to the cemetery with a wrapped up cookie from the diner she and her folks used to go to (it’s almost the same, except here it’s called Jeph and Robbie’s instead of Rob and Jeph’s; it’s the little things that get her sometimes). There isn’t anyone else around right now, which she figures is for the best since she’d probably get a few weird looks when she sits down cross-legged in front of John’s grave, for all the world like she was just sitting down for a normal chat. Benji wanders off a little ways, busy examining the ground for interesting smells.

“Hey, John. Me again.” She stares down at the ground quietly for a minute, not really sure what to do know that she was here. What were people even supposed to talk about at graves? “It's really nice here right now. You'd've probably liked it -

"God, that's a stupid thing to say, isn't it? I don’t really know why I’m here. I guess I just wanted to see you. I miss you.” Her fingers trace an aimless pattern in the grass. “I met Great Uncle James – you know, the original Bucky. He was cool, but he’s been through some stuff. I don’t know if – Steve didn’t really seem to think he’d be coming back a lot. I guess he would know.

“I just, um. I thought it might be cool?” She blinks away the wetness that started gathering at her eyes. “Having some family again, somewhere. Cause Mom and Dad died a long time ago, and then you, and…”

The cookie in her bag suddenly seems unbelievably stupid right now. She’d brought it thinking that maybe it would feel a little like sharing it with him, but it’s just… sad. God, she’s pathetic, isn’t she? It’s like she suddenly realizes what she must look like from the outside, this sad girl hanging out with her brother’s grave because that’s the only family she has left. He wasn’t even her family, he was the brother of the Rebecca Barnes who belonged in this reality, and she'd just clung to him because he was the closest she could get to not being alone.

“I don’t belong here,” she says, her voice soft and exhausted. “Do I? I keep trying like I’m supposed to, but sometimes… I just, I should be dead. I made my peace with it, I was ready to die. It was going to be okay, I was doing good. And I woke up, and sometimes… I wish I hadn’t woken up, you know? I would’ve been okay with just… ending where I did. I mean, how many people can say they saved their world? Going like that, it seems... It seems like that should have been enough.”

Benji chooses that moment to startle her out of her train of thought by choosing that moment to drop his head into her lap, looking up at her with what she thinks could almost be sadness. She pets his head gently. “Yeah, I know, Benj. Just… let me be scary morbid girl for a little while. Okay? We’ll go somewhere cool later.”

After a moment, Rikki nudges him out of her lap so she can stretch out onto her stomach on the grass, head pillowed in her arms. Benji flops down next to her, braced against her side in a comforting warmth.

They stay like that for a while.