girlwithout | (no subject)

It shouldn't be a surprise, when she can't quite get to sleep, even though she's exhausted. It's like every time she so much as shuts her eyes, there's these images imprinted on the back of her eyelids, images of dead girls and Bernard killing them. Something like an hour after she bundles herself in blankets, she finally rolls over to the edge of the bed to see Dogmeat. He looks back at her and thumps his tail against the floor, and she feels a little bit of a smile pulling at her mouth.

She pats the bed next to her. "Come on, get comfy."

With her fingers buried in soft fur, she manages to sleep.

(She jolts awake with Dogmeat whining in her ear and glances at the clock.

It's only been an hour.

It's going to be a long night.)

In the morning, she still feels barely less exhausted than when she started last night, but at least she tried. Now - or at least after she takes another shower and gets dressed - seems as good a time as any to assure Ellen that her dog hasn't been kidnapped.

Barely half an hour later sees her wandering through the hallways, suddenly realizing that she really has no idea how to navigate the room numbering system to find any room that isn't her own. Rikki glances down at Dogmeat. "If I tell you to go home, would you know where it is?"

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It's a small room. The nearest wall's not far.

Ellen makes her way over to sit on the bed, because just at the moment it doesn't look like close contact would be welcome. "It's possible. I can't claim to know what your world's metaphysics are like, or whether God or whoever controls it would do that kind of thing," she says. "But- look, for what it's worth, I'm a military chaplain. And just speaking from my experience as a soldier, I've found that when you do impossible things and live to tell about them, more often than not, your reward is being asked to do something even harder. It's not a punishment. It's that your deeds stand out."

"I know it's not comforting, it's just- I don't think it's that you weren't good enough. It sounds more like you did something amazing enough to get you noticed when somebody amazing was needed."

That's... it's comforting, but also kind of terrifying. "I don't know if I believe in an all-powerful god that controls everything. There might be an afterlife, but that's mostly cause I used to know a Norse god and he knew valkyries. I always figured that was more like a different dimension than a heaven."

She breathes out. "I know I took on a lot of stuff. And I don't regret it, cause I did some good and met some people I never would have known. But... I'm sixteen, you know? Sometimes I feel like I'm barely keeping it together. I have one real friend where I'm staying, my family's dead, and I live in a shitty building that should probably be condemned. I don't know how much more I have to give."

"It's okay. I was never taught that God was all-powerful, myself," Ellen says. "I mean, I know that's what people used to believe before the War, but neither Reverend Avellone nor Knight-Captain Colvin ever said I should believe that God was all-powerful. I just meant that if there was some entity that did control things like that in your world, I didn't know their rules."

She rubs at the back of her neck with one hand. "I'd say you deserve at least something of a break, after all that. Even if it's just a rest somewhere, to help you get yourself back together. When I was your age I was just taking the test that was supposed to determine the job I'd be doing for the rest of my life, so for what it's worth you're way ahead of me in terms of accomplishments for your age. I kinda think you might be entitled to sit back and gather your marbles for a bit."

"Yeah. I guess."

Her life doesn't seem to have a lot of downtime, lately. If she's not being Nomad, she's struggling to keep her life afloat. It's... kind of nice, thinking about taking a vacation from that for a little while. "For a little while, at least."

"They put me on leave for a week or two after I got back from ... well, it wasn't the worst mission I ever had, but it was up there," Ellen says. "And then they put me on light duty around the garrison instead of the field. It wasn't much, but it helped- if you can stay here for a while it'll probably help you too."

"I think I can." She bites her lip. "I don't like using the minors' fund a lot, but I guess this is what it's here for? A kind of vacation would be good for me." Her voice tilts upwards at the end, almost in question.

"That's what I hear it's meant for," Ellen says. "Consider it the mental equivalent of vitamins, or bed rest after a poisoning. It's a necessity, just a different kind of one."

She can't help but make a face a bit at bed rest after a poisoning - that was pretty recent still, huh.

"Yeah. I... yeah. That sounds good."